Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Why Tom is One of the Best Things That Ever Happened to Me

I have been reading through some of my old diaries and journals lately. I kept a pretty accurate record of my life for at least ten of my formative years. Peeking back into those curly cursived pages, I realized something: I haven't really changed that much.

My emotions threatened to drown me then; there is always some kind of flood stage in my life now. Warning: Rising Water. It's not something I can or ever could control. My mom always told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill. And I'm sure I was. But that didn't change the physical pain that came with the cascade of feelings. Believe me, if I could change it I would. It's UNPLEASANT.

In one of my journals, I copied down this quote by Cynthia Swindoll: "Depression... black as a thousand midnights in a cypress swamp. Lonliness that is indescribable. Confusion regarding God. Frustration with life and circumstances. The feeling that you have been abandoned, that you are worthless. Unlovable. The pain is excruciating."

Does this sound Ultra-dramatic? Yep? Hurtful to everyone who loves me? I'm sorry. But those are the things that the devil regularly plants in my mind. And it is a bloody war to fight them off.

Does this weakness make me less of a Christian, feeble as a woman, and miniscule as a mother? In the end, I don't believe so. It gives me a chance to live out "In my weakness, HE is strong." It gives me an element of life that God definitely wanted me to experience.

I think of David, a man after God's own heart, who cried out in desperation while seeking God. His emotioned rocked his world. Thank God I didn't marry a David.

I married a Tom who is about as cool as a fresh drink beachside in Costa Rica. He doesn't get me. Thank God. There are honestly times he has no idea what I'm talking about. But he loves me. And he is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Because of him, I've had 14 1/2 years of emotional stability.

I thought it was just that I had matured. Grown out of my feelings. But ever so often (see here and here) when they come roaring back, I realize that those monsters are still there, held at bay by God of course, and a marriage to a man who is strong and loyal and at times braindead. haha. Just the polar opposite of me. Which is just what I need.

2 Wonderful Responses:

Shannon said...

I so understand about all the emotions. I keep hoping that I will grow out of them? Yikes! I don't know Tom well, but sounds like you've got a good one. Just for you.

momof4kr said...

I am going to award you with...YOU'RE A NORMAL WOMAN *Award! :)
My favorite line was: "Believe me, if I could change it I would. It's UNPLEASANT."
I feel the exact same way.