 |
| we flew on a lear jet... |
 |
| went from being eagles to salukis |
 |
| gained a football team |
I have been reading through some of my old diaries and journals lately. I kept a pretty accurate record of my life for at least ten of my formative years. Peeking back into those curly cursived pages, I realized something: I haven't really changed that much.
My emotions threatened to drown me then; there is always some kind of flood stage in my life now. Warning: Rising Water. It's not something I can or ever could control. My mom always told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill. And I'm sure I was. But that didn't change the physical pain that came with the cascade of feelings. Believe me, if I could change it I would. It's UNPLEASANT.
In one of my journals, I copied down this quote by Cynthia Swindoll: "Depression... black as a thousand midnights in a cypress swamp. Lonliness that is indescribable. Confusion regarding God. Frustration with life and circumstances. The feeling that you have been abandoned, that you are worthless. Unlovable. The pain is excruciating."
Does this sound Ultra-dramatic? Yep? Hurtful to everyone who loves me? I'm sorry. But those are the things that the devil regularly plants in my mind. And it is a bloody war to fight them off.
Does this weakness make me less of a Christian, feeble as a woman, and miniscule as a mother? In the end, I don't believe so. It gives me a chance to live out "In my weakness, HE is strong." It gives me an element of life that God definitely wanted me to experience.
I think of David, a man after God's own heart, who cried out in desperation while seeking God. His emotioned rocked his world. Thank God I didn't marry a David.
I married a Tom who is about as cool as a fresh drink beachside in Costa Rica. He doesn't get me. Thank God. There are honestly times he has no idea what I'm talking about. But he loves me. And he is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Because of him, I've had 14 1/2 years of emotional stability.
I thought it was just that I had matured. Grown out of my feelings. But ever so often (see here and here) when they come roaring back, I realize that those monsters are still there, held at bay by God of course, and a marriage to a man who is strong and loyal and at times braindead. haha. Just the polar opposite of me. Which is just what I need.
Sometimes
I have a hard time reconciling what I believe with what I see...
It can be dumbfounding.
Sometimes
I don't know how I'll be able watch my kids experience the natural pains of life...
Even tiny troubles can send me spinning.
Sometimes
I feel regret that maybe I haven't turned out exactly the way my parents may have wished...
I can't help but wondering.
Sometimes
I look in the mirror and wonder how to "age gracefully...."
Is it really possible?
Somtimes
my emotions corner me like a wild kitten....
and I lay awake not sleeping.
Sometimes
it takes a gargantan effort to do simple tasks around the house...
Why is this?
Sometimes
I feel so far away from God...
I know I've been slacking.
Sometimes
I feel something bigger welling up in me. Not an emotion but a physical sensation. And it seems to grow until it pokes through my chest, like a sharpened log.
It does sometimes hurt,
but it overcomes the
doubt
anxiety
regret
fear
hurt
fatigue
and lonliness that I sometimes feel.
Oftentimes
I feel faith
pushing up through my heart
driving me to be a stronger person,
one who is sure of what she hopes for and certain of what she does not see
one who casts all her cares upon Him because he cares for her
one who believes that he has a plan for her life
one who is fears not, for God is with her
one who rises up on wings like eagles
one who find her significance in Him.
Oftentimes,
I am so grateful... for without faith,
I would be at the mercy of Sometimes.
God be at All Times with Me!
Once November hits, my world spins a little faster than normal.
Basketball season arrives.
If I could cuss on my blog, I would do that now.
Because (insert cuss word), it can really be tough on a family.
Yes, I am thankful my husband has a job. I am thankful I have a husband. I am thankful for health. Believe me, I am counting my blessings.
But allow me to whine for just one moment, will you? Because being married to a coach can really be (insert cuss word) sometimes.
The traveling. The losing. The injuries. The missing. The pressure. The stress. The unknown. The busyness. The absentness. The lonliness. The future. (insert cuss word)
I get this way every season. You think I'd get used to it. But it's hard to get used to your heart getting stripped dry. It is hard to get used to putting up the Christmas lights by yourself for the 14th year in a row. It is hard not to feel sad again when I turn on the radio and hear that the Golden Eagles have lost a game.
But every year, this year being no exception, God humbles me and reminds me that this is where he wants me. It is not coincidence that the dark and cold days of fall and winter are the days I am seeking His face most. It is in fact a privelege... because left to my own devices I would most certainly, certainly try to do it all on my own.
But November levels me. Reminds me.... I need God. I need Him on a very real and personal way. I need Him more than my fleeting prayers and my Sunday sermons and my quick look at His Word. I need Him like I need my next breath.
Basketball season gives me the opportunity to experience Him working in a very real and powerful way in my life. Giving me strength (and patience!) to deal with 3 demanding kids on my own. Giving me wisdom to understand that my life really does not depend on 12 college basketball players, but Him alone. Giving me more faith each and every year. I can feel it growing. It does hurt. But it's just a few faith growing pains. Reminding me that "the rock" is not that round orange ball, as it is sometimes called, but HIM.
He is my rock.
Then come the blessings. The assurance. The peace. They do come. Not immediately. Not at all immediately. Annoying slowly actually. But in His time.
I have a feeling I am not the only one. We all have the things that bring us to our knees. I want you to know I can relate. When you think you are the only one struggling with whatever. Just know I struggle too.
Deep breath.
The cussing is over for now. I am determined to trust in the Lord with all my heart and rely not on my own understanding. In all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my paths. I pray you do the same.
He stands imposingly in the doorway.
Broad shouldered, darkly staring me down.
Accusing. Glaring. Denouncing.
