We have been at Moon Palace in Cancun, Mexico for the last 6 days.
Once November hits, my world spins a little faster than normal.
Basketball season arrives.
If I could cuss on my blog, I would do that now.
Because (insert cuss word), it can really be tough on a family.
Yes, I am thankful my husband has a job. I am thankful I have a husband. I am thankful for health. Believe me, I am counting my blessings.
But allow me to whine for just one moment, will you? Because being married to a coach can really be (insert cuss word) sometimes.
The traveling. The losing. The injuries. The missing. The pressure. The stress. The unknown. The busyness. The absentness. The lonliness. The future. (insert cuss word)
I get this way every season. You think I'd get used to it. But it's hard to get used to your heart getting stripped dry. It is hard to get used to putting up the Christmas lights by yourself for the 14th year in a row. It is hard not to feel sad again when I turn on the radio and hear that the Golden Eagles have lost a game.
But every year, this year being no exception, God humbles me and reminds me that this is where he wants me. It is not coincidence that the dark and cold days of fall and winter are the days I am seeking His face most. It is in fact a privelege... because left to my own devices I would most certainly, certainly try to do it all on my own.
But November levels me. Reminds me.... I need God. I need Him on a very real and personal way. I need Him more than my fleeting prayers and my Sunday sermons and my quick look at His Word. I need Him like I need my next breath.
Basketball season gives me the opportunity to experience Him working in a very real and powerful way in my life. Giving me strength (and patience!) to deal with 3 demanding kids on my own. Giving me wisdom to understand that my life really does not depend on 12 college basketball players, but Him alone. Giving me more faith each and every year. I can feel it growing. It does hurt. But it's just a few faith growing pains. Reminding me that "the rock" is not that round orange ball, as it is sometimes called, but HIM.
He is my rock.
Then come the blessings. The assurance. The peace. They do come. Not immediately. Not at all immediately. Annoying slowly actually. But in His time.
I have a feeling I am not the only one. We all have the things that bring us to our knees. I want you to know I can relate. When you think you are the only one struggling with whatever. Just know I struggle too.
Deep breath.
The cussing is over for now. I am determined to trust in the Lord with all my heart and rely not on my own understanding. In all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my paths. I pray you do the same.
Things seem to be happening in my life that are right along the same theme.
The theme of Loser Mom.
And I am looking hard for the lesson.
***With 4 kids in tow (my 3 and a friend) and running on fumes (this was day 5 of Tom being out of town), I decided to take my kids to a church activity. Remember, we are going to a new church, trying to meet people, etc. We were to decorate the doors of the residents at a nursing home and then go bowling. Everything was fine until I stepped away from the group for a few minutes to retrieve some more valentines from the office. I left Luke behind with the other moms, which looking back was so amazingly dumb of me. He is a wild 5 year old boy. Sometime while I was gone, another mom of a kindergarten boy decided that she did not like Luke or his antics (he IS wild), and began telling him to calm down. Telling Luke to calm down is like telling the sun to stop rising. Things went from bad to worse and my hopeful good first impression went down the drain. Needless to say, we did not go bowling, and I cried the whole way home.
***Remember the coach who saw me forget both Ellie's and Luke's picture days? Well, last night, it got worse. I dropped Ellie at practice and ran over to Hobby Lobby to work on a couple of looming projects. Being EXTREMELY aware of the time, I was done and ready to head back with 10 minutes to spare (practice was only a 45 second drive away). That's when my phone rang. It was the coach. He said, "hey, practice is over, where are you?" This cannot be happening!!!! I guess they just ended practice early and that I shouldn't have cut it so close. My embarrassment factor is off the charts. I swear, I think I look like I am on drugs or something.
These are just two examples in my life that I would classify under "Loser Mom."
I KNOW I am NOT a loser mom (not looking for sympathy), but I just hate making these impressions on people. I feel like I am being unfairly judged. I just want to jump up and down and yell, "I am a responsible mom! I work very hard to discipline my children! I take care of details! I am really quite organized!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!!" But then I really WOULD be a loser mom, now wouldn't I.
I am looking for a lesson....
Could it be to....
1) try harder and think deeper? could be.
2) realize that i am going to make mistakes? that's already been proven.
3) slow down? well, uh, yeah.
All these have gone through my mind. But what I keep coming back to is this:
I need to care less what people think.
The Lord knows my heart. He knows how I parent.
Darnit, HE Himself gives me the measure of strength and energy to make it through each day.
And if I'm being unfairly judged, well, God knows that too.
and maybe, just maybe, He's telling me this...
that when I notice a MOM in a sticky situation, I can do this:
judge less and reach out more. GIVE MORE GRACE.
It just might make her day. (thanks Amanda for making mine yesterday.)
Setting: 5th grade girls basketball tournament, high school gymnasium, Championship game
Time: 6 o'clock Sunday, 1 hour delayed start time
Situation: Tight game, competitive little girls, intensity on the court.
Dialogue:
Coach #1 yells at the referee, protesting that a foul wasn't called on the opposing team:
OVER THE BACK, REF!!!
Coach #2 laughs and shakes head, not seeing the foul, then questions loudly:
OVER THE BACK?
Coach #1 gets angry and yells at Coach #2:
ARE YOU MOCKING ME? ARE YOU MOCKING ME? I WILL MAKE SURE YOU NEVER MOCK ME AGAIN. I WILL COME OVER THERE AND KICK YOUR A**. MOCK ME AGAIN. MOCK ME AGAIN!!!
Coach #2 stunned, comes back with:
WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS A 5TH GRADE GIRLS GAME. AND YOU WANT TO FIGHT? (thinking I haven't been in a fight since Elementary School)
Coach #1: YEAH! I'LL BEAT YOUR A**! COME ON OVER HERE!!!!
This is the point where the headline could have been made. You've seen em before.
Asssault on Coach Stuns Colleagues
Parents Assault Rugby Coach During Game
2 Coaches Fight, Expelled From League
And you wonder how in the living world such a thing could happen. How could grown men come to blows over 10 year olds out there playing a GAME of basketball?
This, friends, is how it happens: Coach #1 has so little of a life that his significance rides on the outcome of this game. Or maybe that person is just an angry person in general. Or maybe he's just having a bad day. Whatever the case, he throws down the gauntlet.
And then Coach #2, being a man with God-given testosterone flowing through his body, feels the primal need to protect himself and BOOM, you've got yourself a bloody fight right there on the hardwood.
Thankfully, Coach #2, being the level-headed husband of mine, just said, YOU ARE CRAZY and turned away. His wife thought she was going to vomit for about an hour.
"Gee, the productivity in your husband's business has really gone to pot!"
"Tomorrow, I think your husband should fire his colleague and go out and find someone who can really do the job!!!"
"It's going to be a really hard year for you and your husband! His effectiveness has taken a major turn for the worse."
"The employees of your husband's business are rude!"
Or my favorite-
"I really hope that the competitors beat the heck out of your husband's business tonight!!!!!"
Of course not! No! People don't do that kind of thing. Unless they are a social moron OR your husband happens to be a coach.
You'd think after 10+ years in the business, I'd get used to it. But maybe I never will.
Since my husband makes his living coaching a GAME that people are able to watch, I guess that people think it's just fine to make whatever stupid comment comes into their minds.
You know, I've heard that if you can't take the heat, then stay out of the kitchen.
And I have 2 problems with that.
#1 - I had no choice in this. God gave me this man, and He gave Tom this job, and I am here faithfully believing that He is going to bless us. Even when the point guard screws up. Even when we didn't land that top recruit. Even when we have a 5 game losing streak. He is with us, and He has a purpose for us. And YES, He cares about basketball games, even though people tell me He does not.
#2 - There is something called politeness. Your husband's job is very important to you. My husband's job is very important to me. I won't make dire predictions about what is going to happen to your husband's job and you don't do the same to me. I will sincerely wish you and your husband the best when it comes to his job. I'm hoping for a promotion for you, not that he gets beat out by the others (even if I happen to know the others and like them very well.)
You know, I try to tread lightly. I try not to be easily offended because in my heart, I think people just really don't get it. They have an opinion on every other game on TV, so why not have an opinion on my husband's game? And for the most part, I move on through life thankful for where God has put us and thankful for the friends (they are precious to me!) He has put in our lives who do understand and are sensitive to our situation. Some friends even put away their colors and wear ours for a game! Wow!
But at the most recent game pictured above (THAT WE LOST, by the way,) I had one "friend" walk up to me wearing opposing colors and begin complaining about the 30 person cheering section for our team: "They are so loud and rude!" And then another one, who at half time, thought he would come tell me how bad our team looked: "You guys are looking pretty terrible so far."
Maybe it's just that I'm approaching 40 or something, but it didn't slide off my back this time.
What about common courtesy?
That felt good. Thanks for letting me vent. It's been comin' on for oh, about 10 years. :)
My emotions are....
...like a river: trickling, flowing, roaring
...like a hot and wicked fire: hard to put out
...like looking down from the top of the Empire State Building: breathtaking
...like a sore hip: always bothering me
...they are as deep and serene as a shipwreck
...they are as free and empowering as hangliding
...until that hanglider hits the ground hard... and crumbles
My emotions are a worship song... my emotions are a mad dog...
They are the lonely cry of a bird on a cliff side
The are the constant hum and the buzz of the subway
My emotions are at once dark and beautiful
They are God-given, lifelong companions
that help me and haunt me
that shackle me that strengthen me
One thing! My emotions never abandon me.
My emotions?
The thorn in my side, that I realize...
make me who I am.
Lately, I have been a bit bogged down by the complex issues of life that just can't be avoided.
Job Stressors
Financial Decisions
Raising Children
and
School Pictures
What happened to the good old days when you sat down and they snapped your picture and you got a bazillion pictures to share with your friends for 5.95? The big 8X10 pic was always saved by mom, the 5X7 and 3X5's given to relatives, especially grandparents, and the wallets... oooh, I loved that day when I could cut them all apart and write a message on the back in an ink pen. Then, I would covet each and every picture that was given to me, read and reread the message on back (especially if it was from a boy) and save them for years!
Ahhh, simplicity.
Now, getting that order form in the backpack just gives me a headache.
The decisions, The pressure, the financial commitment!!
I must decide....
What Package - Several to choose from ranging from $62.00 down to $11.00, but I'm telling you, they make that $11.00 one really hard to find, and when you do finally locate it on the order sheet, you have to decipher that it comes only 2 3X5's and 4 wallets.
What Background - Gray, Blue, Purple, Green, Amber
and new this year
What Pose!
Pose 1 - arms crossed, cropped at waist
Pose 2- arms crossed, leaning forward, cropped at elbows
Pose 3 - same as above, cropped at chest
Pose 4 - same as above, cropped like a close up
Then, I can opt for Retouching (I guess it's handy in the acne years)
and I can pay extra to add my Child's Name on the pictures.
or if I'd like, I can add purchase separately different Add Ons, such as a CD of the image (only $25.00 gasp) and that good old 8X10.
You can see clearly the difficulty I'm facing. It's mind boggling.
One perk? They give you a free SmileSafe Kids Safety Card and 24/7 Rapid Response Card.
Hmmm..... that sounds a bit complex too.
Post Note: See the finished clipboards HERE
My camera is broken. It happened on Christmas Day about 4:00. No longer did my prized possession operate as it should. Just like that. I didn't drop it. I didn't spill anything on it. And miraculously, none of my children did anything destructive to it. Inside the camera, a little plastic pin, being moved up and down a little too much in too short a period of time, snapped. I found it annoyingly interesting that on one particular website, 5 other people posted that their Canon Rebels did the EXACT SAME THING on THE EXACT SAME DAY! Huh. In-ter-es-ting. But fruitless in terms of getting a quick fix or convincing Canon to recognize this as a documented problem with the camera. I can just envision the camera manual... a section called "Christmas Day and Other Holiday Troubleshooting" with a note that "taking too many pictures could (and eventually will) result in the collapse a major camera element that will cost $150+ to repair! Take precautions to lower your camera shots to 2 shots per moment." (instead of my usual 32 spm.) Grrr.
Now, as my camera sits sadly on a shelf in a camera repair shop, a funny feeling sits down in my stomach. You know that vague feeling you get sometimes that something is out of place, weird...unsettled.... kind of like you've lost your last set of car keys, or your watch, or even worse, your cell phone? That's how I feel. So, I realized something about myself through this painful separation from my camera.... (just halfway kidding).
I realized that like eating and sleeping, releasing my creative energy is right up there for me on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Does that sound ridiculous? Well, it's true, Maslow identified creativity as a valid need! I realized that not being able to snap pictures has taken an avenue of creativity away that usually satisfies me. Instead, I am journaling a lot more, and clipboards. I have been decorating the clipboards! Clipboards in the morning and clipboards in night. When I get my camera back, I will take a picture of one and show you the clipboards I have been making for the kids' teachers for Teacher Appreciation in February. 3 down, 67 to go. Just kidding... I will be relying on other people for help with those. But taking a pic of my clipboards will be a like a Double Shot Coffee Drink from Starbucks... a nice double jolt of creativity. That buzz should last me a good couple of days, and help me get rid of that funny, funky feeling down deep in my gut.
I'd also be lying if I didn't admit that amid all the butthustling, we don't stop as often as we should to really soak in the magnificent focus of this holiday. When Luke said we were celebrating Santa's birthday (quickly followed by... oh no , not Santa's birthday, Jesus' birthday) my heart dropped into my feet. I prayed to God that we as parents would not let Christmas become just a shiny celebration of Santa. I had to remind myself that this year may be a little more difficult than others since we don't have a church to call home right now. Making the choice to leave First Baptist and look for a church closer to home was pretty hard, and we have put ourselves in a position where our kids are not getting their usual Christmas church focus on Jesus' birthday. It is so basic, so pure, and so important. The birth of Jesus. I happened to turn on the CBS "special" - "The Mystery of Christmas." A title intriguing enough for the Christian and sinister enough to draw in a non-Christian. As I made pumpkin rolls and took in this show, my heart again dropped as I watched basically an hour long campaign for people to doubt pretty much every aspect of the birth of Jesus. They even presented "evidence" that Jesus was probably not born in Bethlehem. It was probably Nazareth. And Mary a virgin? Ha! She was what one "expert" called "nothing more than an adultress." I can barely type the words. My point here is that by the grace of God, in my heart, I know that I know that Jesus was born in Bethlehem. He was born of the virgin Mary to be the Savior of the world. I am so thankful that the program didn't sway me in the least... just swayed my anger. I pray that the spirit of God will give that peace and assurance to my children. That they will BELIEVE.
Tonight, as I checked on the score of our game (OUCH!), I happened to click on a news site where the top story was about ORU, and how the tenured faculty had voted "no faith" in current President Richard Roberts. (DOUBLE OUCH). Not to be confused with the Board of Regents, this group of people (don't know how many) made a resolution (non-binding) basically announcing their feelings of no confidence in Richard. Excuse me while I throw up. Having been affiliated with ORU for 8+ years, (admittedly as an outsider), I have had nothing but wonderful opinions and interactions with President Roberts. To see him, his family and many who love this university going through this battle is.... well.... like dipping my arms in a pot of boiling water. It hurts! It stings! And the healing will take a long time! And if I feel this way, my goodness... how others closer to the situation must feel. I have always felt like God has put us at ORU for a reason. Only Jehovah God in Heaven could have matched me up with this good-looking basketball junkie, all the while secretly matching my sister up with another handsome basketball player, then to (of all things) find a way to make them both Division I basketball coaches and um, while He was at it, decided that they would work together at the same school, which just happened to be ORU??????? A place we could call home! A place that our children love to go! A place to be proud of! A place we pray for. A place that is part of us. A place that is being torn up right now. I don't know the truth. I don't know the answers. I know A LOT of people are loving it. But I am hating it, and I am asking for your prayers. Not your judgments. That He has made clear is HIS to do. And it is a lesson I am learning myself. Will you pray for this ministry, this university, and our family? Pray that we will trust in the Lord with all our hearts and rely not on our own understanding... that in all our ways we will acknowledge Him and He will direct our paths.
I always know it's coming, but the knowing of it doesn't prevent the happening of it from making me worn out. Basketball season stomps out of my life with March Madness. And it seems about that time I can sense a bit of relief coming. A life preserver is flung before me. But it's still actually a month before I will grab on to that life preserver and relax. The guys are doing their ever-so-important recruiting throughout April. That is not sarcasm, it is seriousness, especially with the reality that Caleb and Ken have moved onwards. So, Tom is out looking for some new tall guys, as the kids like to say. And I support that. Believe me, I know how important recruiting is. But, wo! It's this final stretch that can be the toughest test. It's the time of year I think my children have been replaced by rebellious, conscienceless, vindictive aliens and I become a wideeyedcrazilyravingshorttemperedfreakazoid lady who I don't really know. It's the time of the year that puts me on my knees, asking for one last bit of strength! He always provides it, in the form of encouragement, joy, laughter, friends, family. And finally, May comes!!!!
.....that gives me energy to face each day raising Luke James. Millions of people have done it, raise sons that is. I know I'm not the only one on God's green earth to face the challenges and difficulties that are inevitable when raising a testosterone-filled BOY! He is impulsive and erratic. He hits, kicks and bites. (How I hate to admit it!) He hurts people's feelings, and doesn't seem to care. He lives out the old saying "My way or the highway." (Isn't that supposed to be MY motto as a parent?) Luke lives in Luke World. He usually isn't very sweet. He sometimes stinks. He thinks it's funny to make inappropriate sounds. He throws toys; he breaks the girls' special things (on purpose). He thinks its cool to be tough and rough and rowdy. And, he spits. All this regardless of the prayer, time, thought, and work Tom and I put into disciplining him. But this picture, this sliver of a second, that I captured of my son.... it shaves away the frustration and worry, the work and the scurry, and reminds me that he is, after all, a beautiful boy. A boy who God made full of energy, enthusiasm and assertiveness. A boy who God made to do great things. Who am I to try to drain him of his strength of mind. A few months ago, a lady I don't know very well (a mom of 3 boys) stopped me in the hallway and spoke directly to my heart... she said, "This boy is exactly how God made him. Remember, he could someday be behind the controls in a fighter jet. He could be orchestrating an attack in enemy territory. God has given him these personality traits for a reason. Don't quell them. Mold them. Don't smash his personality. Teach him right from wrong, but let him be a boy." I left that conversation in tears, for it was a message that I knew would stick with me for many years. Thank you God for our boy, and give us the wisdom we need to raise him to be the man You want him to be. 
When I saw a strange mark on our carpet today, I looked up to see a four inch line on my ceiling that was drip dropping cold water!!! When I ran up to the floor above to figure out where this water was coming from, I found nothing suspicious. But the line kept growing longer, until it reached about 4 feet! Then new lines began appearing! I could just imagine the whole ceiling coming down on top of us. This is where our very own crisis managment team came to our rescue. Tracy, Chad and Susan along with Tom (who had just come in from a 5 day road trip) all banded together to save our ceiling! We finally pinpointed the source of the problem... not broken pipes, but ice melting and seeping under our shingles and running in on a beam. Then, the water followed the sheetrock seams and created an H20 checkerboard for us to shake our heads at. We had to chip away at the frozen over guttering, which eventually made our ceiling stop leaking. Thank God for friends (and insurance)!
NOTE: I have received a couple complaints that this picture is hard to see. It is a picture of Tom's grandmother's bookcase that was handed down to us a few years ago. The big black spot is the hole in the glass that Luke caused by throwing one of his little Matchbox cars through it.
I guess that it's the price we pay to have a wonderful, fabulous, active, impulsive, strong, willful, energetic, creative, fun, wild, BOY in the family. I'm sure Tom's family, with 4 boys, had many moments like this. If you look closely, on the second shelf, you can see the upsidedown tanker that caused this accident. Luke actually had some remorse about this one. He went to his room without protesting and told me he loved me about 10 times.
