Tennis, Anyone?

As you may have read in one of my past posts, I have recently taken up tennis.

Those words "taken up tennis" bounce around ridiculously in my mind. When I size myself up, I couldn't be any farther from a tennis player. Despite multiple attempts as a child to find my sports niche, I never found enough coordination to have any success. It was so bad that I was CUT from my college sorority intramural basketball team. No kidding. PEOPLE DON'T GET CUT FROM INTRAMURAL SORORITY TEAMS. I did.

Add on to my lack of athletic ability that I am not the tennis club type, really. What is the type? Oh, I don't know, but I am fairly sure that I am not it.

However, I have this friend who I call Recruiter Rhonda. She is just one of those people who is really good at motivating people. Really REALLY good. She's got me playing tennis. That is nothing short of a Roger Federer Ace. What is really amazing is that I am enjoying it! I think the ability to learn new things at any age is one amazing gift that God has given us. Now, I am not saying I am good, but I can hit it over the net!

All this just sets the stage for what happened yesterday. I went to my tennis drill group at the tennis club where I have already had my share of embarrasing moments: I have fallen twice while trying to hit the ball... right on my tushie. But drill went well, and I had to leave a little early for a meeting, so I went into the ladies locker room where I am always a bit nervous. I changed back into my work clothes and was excited at the assortment of free products on the counter. As I refixed my hair, I delightedly grabbed the hair spray and sprayed away. That is when I noticed the ladies in the locker room giving me a strange look. It clicked.

I was spraying my hair with aerosol deodorant.

Airport Security Diaries

On our way to Cancun, we got to experience the newfangled x-ray machine at our local airport that looks like something Captain Kirk may have used. Forget the good old walk through xray. On by one, we stepped into an intimidating looking cylinder. We each had to space our feet apart and form our hands, strangely, into a diamond shape on top of our heads. Then, a whirring panel circled around until somebody in uniform yelled "clear!"

I didn't get the magic word "clear," but instead was whisked into a separate holding area, apparently for terrorists and moms alike. I stood there on the mat, my naked feet placed into the printed shoe outlines with my arms straight out in surrender. "Just relax ma'am," said the guard. How could I relax when I feared that someone may perform a body cavity search at any second?

At that same time, another guard notified me that I needed to watch him search one of our bags that had come through the x-ray machine. "Ok!" I said, relieved, dropping my arms. "Don't move," barked the first TSA official, "You are not clear!" 2 seconds later, he bulleted, "CLEAR."

I walked over to the bag searching area. The bag in question was Ellie's black carry-on, covered with neon colored peace signs. Did they think a bomb would be planted in a bag covered with peace signs? He began disassembling the contents of Ellie's bag with his rubber-gloved hands. Remember, this is Ellie we are talking about. The one who wore an elf hat the whole 12 hour journey to our destination. The one who loves gadgets of any kind. A strange little soul. Knowing her bag was being searched and picturing herself thrown in jail, Ellie's face soon matched her hat. He slowly pulled the following items out of her bag:
1 pair of large binoculars.
1 Nintendo DS case with a variety of games
1 pair of neon green vampire teeth
2 large bouncy balls
2 chapter books
1 small etch a sketch
3 rubber rats - 2 black and 1 grey
1 dog wallet
1 duck tape wallet
1 large white and black spotted leopard stuffed animal
and finally, he fished out....
1 pair of metal handcuffs.

Dangling them in front of my face, a smile spread over his.
"THIS," he said, stifling a laugh, "is the problem."

At that point the whole line of officers burst out laughing, as Ellie began panicking.
The tension finally broke and we all tried to reassure Ellie that everything was OK.

She was not going to jail, she was going to go to Cancun and she had probably made everyone's day. As we walked off, the head officer joked with my mom from his platform, "hey lady, are you the one who brought the handcuffs?" "No!" she yelled back, "can you guess who it is? The one in the elf hat!"

Little did mom know that her time was coming. On our way home from Cancun, she was pulled into a separate area and searched with a metal detector not once but TWICE! Can you picture that scene? The officer waving the wand over every part of her body and mom fit to be tied. At least we got a good laugh from it all!

Of Cell Phones and Toilets

This ones for Baloney. Just so she knows she's not the only one.

I won't get into the gory details, but I will say that my cell phone died in a toilet accident involving Luke.

And that it was ugly.

And that it required an extraction that in the end, didn't really matter.

The phone went to pot, so to speak.

The miraculous ending to my tale of poo, I mean woe.... is that it was the perfect opportunity to get a new phone. (Amazingly, my contract for my old phone was up too - the stars aligned!)

I have resisted. I have proudly carried around my Sony slider phone, telling myself that I didn't HAVE to have the iphone. I didn't NEED the iphone.

An iphone would not complete me. (harumph!!)

Weirdly, I did the same thing with capri pants. Back about 10 years ago, when the fashion came back in, I thought... I'm not giving into that! I don't have to wear THOSE to fit in. There must be a bit of a noncomformist ghoul lurking in me. I think I was the last person to give in to the fashion, but give I did. Thank the fashion Gods above. That's about all I wear now - some kind of cropped pant.

Well, you've guesssed it by now. I got the iphone. I was nervous, but my friend Lori took the plunge with me. I was thankful to have a friend who was going through the same iphone growing pains that I was.

And now, (brace yourselves) I tell you how truly complete I feel.

Not in the shallow way, like please see me hold my iphone. See me dial my iphone. See me talk on my iphone. Look at my signature: sent from my iphone.

But in an organizational, I have got-it-all-together kind of way.

Ok, I'll never have it all together, obviously, if I dropped my iphone into a pot of poo.

But wow, the myth of the iphone is no myth at all.

It is fantastic.
I have converted from a paper calendar to my iphone calendar.
Love it.
I have a camera with me at any given moment.
Fabulous.
The email.
he texting.
The GPS.
The music.
The way it stores your contacts.
The ease of the touchscreen.
The apps.
The APPS!!!
They are so creative and very useful.
I have the entire Bible on my phone.
I can pull up any version of any verse any time I need to.

No, the iphone is not overrated. It's genius.

Now if I can just keep from dropping it in the toilet.

What's the Lesson?

Things seem to be happening in my life that are right along the same theme.

The theme of Loser Mom.

And I am looking hard for the lesson.

***With 4 kids in tow (my 3 and a friend) and running on fumes (this was day 5 of Tom being out of town), I decided to take my kids to a church activity. Remember, we are going to a new church, trying to meet people, etc. We were to decorate the doors of the residents at a nursing home and then go bowling. Everything was fine until I stepped away from the group for a few minutes to retrieve some more valentines from the office. I left Luke behind with the other moms, which looking back was so amazingly dumb of me. He is a wild 5 year old boy. Sometime while I was gone, another mom of a kindergarten boy decided that she did not like Luke or his antics (he IS wild), and began telling him to calm down. Telling Luke to calm down is like telling the sun to stop rising. Things went from bad to worse and my hopeful good first impression went down the drain. Needless to say, we did not go bowling, and I cried the whole way home.

***Remember the coach who saw me forget both Ellie's and Luke's picture days? Well, last night, it got worse. I dropped Ellie at practice and ran over to Hobby Lobby to work on a couple of looming projects. Being EXTREMELY aware of the time, I was done and ready to head back with 10 minutes to spare (practice was only a 45 second drive away). That's when my phone rang. It was the coach. He said, "hey, practice is over, where are you?" This cannot be happening!!!! I guess they just ended practice early and that I shouldn't have cut it so close. My embarrassment factor is off the charts. I swear, I think I look like I am on drugs or something.

These are just two examples in my life that I would classify under "Loser Mom."

I KNOW I am NOT a loser mom (not looking for sympathy), but I just hate making these impressions on people. I feel like I am being unfairly judged. I just want to jump up and down and yell, "I am a responsible mom! I work very hard to discipline my children! I take care of details! I am really quite organized!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!!" But then I really WOULD be a loser mom, now wouldn't I.

I am looking for a lesson....

Could it be to....
1) try harder and think deeper? could be.

2) realize that i am going to make mistakes? that's already been proven.

3) slow down? well, uh, yeah.

All these have gone through my mind. But what I keep coming back to is this:
I need to care less what people think.

The Lord knows my heart. He knows how I parent.
Darnit, HE Himself gives me the measure of strength and energy to make it through each day.
And if I'm being unfairly judged, well, God knows that too.

and maybe, just maybe, He's telling me this...

that when I notice a MOM in a sticky situation, I can do this:
judge less and reach out more. GIVE MORE GRACE.

It just might make her day. (thanks Amanda for making mine yesterday.)

Anything To Get The Focus Off That Last Post

I have been mortified all day. I confessed my embarrassing moments on the World Wide Web, and now I am cringing. So, moving on.....here's something kind of funny....6 grown women dressed in the fashions of our teenage years. We had a ball with it, looking through old pics and cracking up at some of the old 80's styles like.... (remember any of these?)

shoulder pads

HUGE hair

tulip rings

Laura Ashley dresses

puffy sleeves

Acid Dyed Jeans

Banana Clips

Jelly Shoes

Sailor Dresses

Swatches

Friendship Pin Bracelets

Neon color clothes

Big Plastic Earrings

The Madonna Look

Worry Doll Hairclips

Izods

Layered shirts

Leggings

We laughed and reminisced for a long time. But it all had a purpose. We are using a study called Secret Keeper Girls with our daughters this summer to try to teach them a little about how to be the girls God made them to be, and this was Date #5. After poking fun at old fashions, I spent some time with the girls talking about fashion and how fashion is not bad, it's fun! However, girls must pay attention to how they are presenting themselves through what they wear. It gave me the chance to talk with them about wearing clothes that present the right message of who they are. And just because other people are wearing it, doesn't mean it's OK for you! I am so glad I got the opportunity to speak to the girls about this, and doing this along with other moms and daughters helps them feel like they are not the only ones! Plus, I got the chance to don one of my favorite 80's fashions: the drop-waisted floral dress with shoulder pads embellished with large bows. Too bad I couldn't get the big hair going. I tried, but my hair just isn't quite the same as it was back in the good ole eighties.

Panty Power

Why such a silly title?

I am trying my darndest to laugh at myself. I lecture my kids all the time on being easygoing and laid back and learning to laugh when something unexpected/embarrassing/upsetting happens to them publicly. Not to let anyone see them crumble. To take it lightly.

That's what I'm trying to do.

Otherwise, I could have named this post something different, like

"Whyyyyyy Meeeeeeeeeee?"
"I Will Never Step Foot in That Place Again"
"They Will Never Let Me Back in That Place Again"
"Everyone Thinks I'm Weird"
"I'm a Loser"
or
"I Have Got Some Serious Underwear Issues"

But before I tell you today's incident, I feel I must back up a couple months and share a most embarrassing moment in May. I took the time to get ready and got dressed into an exquisite black dress with a silken underlay, topped off with a sheer organza. Not dressing like this really often, I felt quite graceful as I walked Luke into his classroom, chatted with moms, ran an errand at Petco and made a big shopping trip to Walmart. About 15 minutes after I arrived at Wal-Mart, a young woman with a nosering stopped me and said, "Ma'am, I know I don't know you but..... (long pause) your dress is tucked up into your underwear in back." I will go no further, to spare you from the depth of my horror as I retraced my steps and exactly who all had seen my lovely big bottom hanging out.

But, I reasoned, this was just a one time thing. Everybody makes mistakes. I will be A LOT more careful.

So, tonight, I went to a Biblical Discipline Coffee Talk at Fellowship Bible. This is a church we've been visiting for awhile, and I thought I'd go maybe learn something and try to meet a few new people, make a couple new friends. It's not real easy when everyone seems to already know each other, but I thought, I'm not going to get anywhere unless I make the effort. So, I went. And sat in the first row. And walked around and got a water and got some Hershey's kisses and took a phone call in the hallway and then left early, right in front of the room of 50. Only to find out that my new brown pants have three inch rip right down my left bun, exposing my whiter than white grannish panties. (I have NO idea how it got there!) I guess the only blessing in the deal was that I wasn't wearing something garish or even nothing at all! Imagine the bare bun hanging out of the ripped pants. Oh, what a nightmare.

But I am laughing. Can't you hear me?